Every once in a while something shocks me
By Hillary Beth Koenig
I
remember the 4th grade. I naturally had assumed that I knew of every cuss word
that there was, not that I used them, but I thought I'd at least heard them and
vaguely knew what they meant. Nope, that was the year I heard the F-word the
first time, and had to ask what it meant. I was pretty much appalled.
Then
there was this year. I knew there were dating sites and hook up sites of all
shapes and sizes, but I didn't know that there was one specifically geared to
encouraging and enabling affairs. Yes, I consider that a whole new level of
so-wrong.
But
what do I find more appalling?
That
so many people would believe the lies that Christian women are uneducated,
thoughtlessly submitting to a life of being a "proper" wife and
mother, according to others' standards, incapable of supporting herself if need
be, and above all, that they, too have bought the lies that purity is simply a
woman saving sex for her husband.
Wow.
First
of all, I'm a Christian. I'm now a mother and a wife. I currently have multiple
writing and editing projects due this week totaling several hundred dollars.
The semester before my husband married me, I worked up to 63 hours a week in
several part time jobs, and took 15 credit hours' worth of classes. While he
was away with the military, I obtained a great job at an IT firm and couldn't
wait to tell him about it - even though I was so nervous going to the interview
that I would have given anything for his hug prior to it.
I
will be taking care of myself and my child for the better part of the next year
alone, because that's what happens in the military life. And that doesn't
really faze me. I'll be an Awana leader for a bunch of tweens, sing on the
praise team at Bible study, and show up to practices and set ups. I'll probably
travel the country to see friends and family, and celebrate Christmas and
birthdays without him.
I
share all of this to answer a certain woman whose post has gone viral. She
wrote a catch phrase, a bunch of people read it and said to themselves, “I like
that!” and they didn’t stop once to think about what they were saying.
You
can say, "'raise them to breathe fire,” all you want. But when the trials come,
most of us are complaining about how "life should be fair," "I
deserve more," and other nonsense. What's fair? And why do we all think
things should be handed to us?
Trials
make fire breathers. Not going with the flow makes fire breathers.
Now
let me go back a different direction.
The
writer asserts that women have purity standards imposed on them.
I
will tell you - I chose my own standards. I was presented morals, viewpoints,
rules, and truth as a child - along with lies, urges to do what I felt like,
and peer pressure. But most of all, I was raised to think for myself and
ultimately I made the choices to be a woman who followed God. That includes
doing sex the way God intended - one man, one woman.
I
married a man who waited for me. I waited for him. It took a lot of patience
and some guts to explain to my coworkers at the writing center where I worked what
my purity ring meant. The guy and the girl both said they'd never met a single
person in their life before who had actually waited. I felt sad.
There's
not a chaste and proper wife rule. It's a free to love wholeheartedly, free
from guilt and shame, free from drama and tough consequences, free to be
passionate and yourself thing to have sex with your spouse and your spouse
alone. He was my first kiss. I was his first kiss. And the only reason that's
hard to talk about, is because that's not something that happens a lot.
I risk heaping more guilt. That's why people attack Christians who choose to do
sex God's way. I don’t want you to feel guilty – I want you to be free. The
truth of God’s word sets us free, and what Jesus did on the cross makes us
pure, no matter what the sin.
In
high school, I wasn’t caught up in drama. I was starting GGFG!
When
you stay true to one person, you don’t deal with the drama, pain, and
consequences of having had intimate relationships with many.
It
may seem silly, but, I don't have to:
- wonder if my husband has other, even unknown to him children out there
- wonder if an old ex will pop up and cause sexual tension
- explain to a child that they have siblings that are his, mine, and ours
- feel ashamed of anything I did prior to marriage when talking to my kids about my past
Other
people have asked if this was a first child for both of us. They assumed my
husband may have had other kids with other women before me. Or, that I had a
child that doesn’t live with us.
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